last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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