Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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