i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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