I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
