zippers are such a cool invention
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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