I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
