btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize