apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Randomize
