I smell stomach acid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
