I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
