YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
