I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
