Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
