I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
