the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
