Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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