My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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