There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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