i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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