Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize