More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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