Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
