Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize