man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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