i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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