Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
