I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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