Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
