yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
