Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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