We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize