I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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