I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
