News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
