it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
