He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
