I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
