I wish I only lived at night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
