Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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