the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
