My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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