Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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