Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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