I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
