Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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