How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize