My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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