wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
