I have demons in me.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
