We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize