Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
