I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why is your signature on my underwear?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
