I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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