I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
