is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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