that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is Oprah even human
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize