Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
