there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
