Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
