I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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