as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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