I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize