After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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