She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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