He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize