Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
