get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
