There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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